I have some things running through my mind so I hope you will bear with me as I use this place to try and sort things out. Warning this is long and involved so thanks in advance if you make it all the way through.
Why do people drink? Smoke? Do drugs? From my understanding doing these things will make you feel better, happier and supposedly make you look and act "cooler". I'll be honest. I have never tasted alcohol, smoked a cigarette or done drugs. I would say a big part of this decision has come from my religion and something called The Word of Wisdom but there are other factors as well. I had some pretty bad experiences, in my youth, with people who were drinking and smoking. Because of these experiences the smell of alcohol and cigarette smoke would make me physically ill and psychologically uncomfortable. Besides the fact that beer has never smelled good to me and cigarettes just seemed to be a nasty thing to do. Smoke is dirty, so why take it into your body and then blow it back out, yk? Those were the biggest reasons for most of my life. During the last year or so I have been introduced to another. I am possibly the carrier of an inherited gene that would make me prone to addiction. My father is addicted to pain killers, my youngest brother started with pain killers (well I guess he started with smoking and drinking) and has now moved on to Meth, I have another brother who is, what I would consider to be, an alcoholic and is addicted to cigarettes, another brother who was on Meth for awhile kicked that habit and stopped smoking and drinking for a while but now, but due to personal problems seems to be starting up again with the latter, I have a sister who is addicted to pain killers and another brother who was a smoker and a drinker for quite some time but has officially stopped and hasn't done either for years. Okay so that is, let's count, 6 people in my family of 10 that have an addiction....okay 5 people that have an addiction and one who had an addiction. According to a sil who has done genealogy work there is a history of alcoholism in some of my ancestors. Does this cause me concern. Yes. Not only for me but for my children.
It also causes me a great deal of heartache as I watch the people that I love struggle with these addictions. Are they happier because of them? I would have to say No. Do they feel better? Maybe for a short time but in general...No. Do they look cooler? That depends on if you consider an orange jumpsuit in the County jail cool. How did they get started? My dad, sister and brother who have the problems with pain killers all go to the same doctor. Who, instead of trying to help them learn how to deal with the pain or figure out what the real problem is, gave them the "quick fix" of a pill or a shot. My dad and sister are pretty much addicted because of pain...they feel like they need those pills to control the pain they are having. My brother started with pain and just kept moving onto "feeling better". I don't know why those who drink and smoke started. We were all raised with the same values and taught the same things but they made other decisions. You know addiction doesn't just affect those who are addicted...it affects those who are around them in ways that you can't even imagine. I can't tell you how hard it is sometimes to hear what is going on with my family. Knowing that there isn't much that I can do to change things. I can talk all I want...give my opinions and pray. That is about it. I can't make decisions for them or force them to do something that they don't want to do. And I really don't have to deal with it day in and day out. Unlike the kids of my brothers. I know that they have to deal with a lot more pain that I will ever know.
I am not going to lie to you and say that I have never wanted to take a drink (although I have never wanted to try smoking...and that's the truth). There have been moments where I have thought "Man I wish that I could just go somewhere and drink to forget." Or I have wondered what wine tastes like. I guess I was blessed. I was given an early warning about taking things into my body and that along with the other things listed above has stayed in the back of my mind. Now as I see how the different members of my family are affected I am more wary than every. Last November I had back surgery and they gave me pain killers. I took the least amount of them that I could. I really don't like the feeling that I get from them. I feel out of control and that is something that I really do not like.
You know if I am a carrier of this gene I could be one of those people who take one or two drinks and it escalates. Hopefully I will never know. I say hopefully because I have learned to "Never say never". Okay just a few more things. First, because my dad and brothers and sister have these addictions....Does it make them bad people? No. With the exception of one of them they are the nicest, sweetest people you could ever meet....and even the one has good in him, deep down. Right now it's down pretty deep though. Do I think that people who smoke and drink in general are bad? No. In my opinion they are just making some bad choices...just like the choices that the members of my family made. Not everyone becomes addicted to alcohol or cigarettes and not everyone moves on to the "harder" drugs but then again not everyone has that potential gene.
I guess I just don't understand why people enjoy those things so much when I see all around me how screwed up they can make your life. And it's not just from looking at my family. How many families mourn the loss of loved ones because of drunk drivers? How many families are torn and spouses abused because of alcohol? How many bodies lie in the ground because they died from lung cancer or emphysema? How many babies are born to mothers who are addicted to crack or other drugs and are forced to live with the choices that those mothers made? How many tears are shed because someone's mom, dad, brother, sister, son, daughter etc..tried ecstasy, heroin, sniffed chemicals or tried some other drug "just this once" and never lived to tell about it. How many kids have to call down to the local bar and plead with their mom or dad to "Please come home"? You know television, the movies, Hollywood, all those magazines in the stores? They can sure make anything look good can't they?
There is just one thing I want to know. How can I protect my kids from this? I know I can talk to them and teach them while they are young. But they will still make their own choices as they get older. They will have to face peer pressure and the influence of Hollywood and others outside the realm of my reach. Will I be able to teach them to be strong enough? Will they understand the urgency behind my teachings? Will it stay with them when they need it?? And, most importantly, will I be able to teach them that happiness has to come from within them...that it doesn't come in a bottle or a little pill....only they can make themselves happy...nothing or no one can do it for you. My mom taught myself and my siblings the same and yet I know she cries daily for the choices that half of her kids have made. I am scared. Scared for myself, scared for my extended family and scared for my kids.
Okay, I don't know that I have figured anything out but it has helped just to put it all out there instead of having it run circles around in my head.
Well we did it! We got the car. I can't tell you how nice it has been to be able to go out and go places without having to worry about relying on someone else. It is awesome. That is some of the reason I haven't been around for a while....I've been out breaking in the new car.
I have finally hit the break point with my morning sickness...thank goodness. I am feeling much, much better. On Saturday I even deep cleaned my kitchen. The floor underneath my stove and fridge is now clean, as is the inside of my microwave. I used the Fantastik with Orange cleaner and it was wonderful. It cleaned up the greasy stuff and there was no obnoxious smell to give me a headache.
Sunday was a pretty crappy day. I woke up in the middle of the night with the room seriously spinning. I was able to go back to sleep and figured it was a one time thing. I woke up at a bout 5:30 in the morning to use the bathroom and when I went to lay back down the room started to spin again. It was so bad that it made me throw up. I had Ty make me some OJ and then spent the rest of the night on the couch in a semi up right position but I still had episodes of spinning. So I called my neighbor who is a nurse and she told me to call my doctor who, in turn told me to go to the ER...which we did. They gave me an I.V. with some medicine for the nausea and took my blood to check blood sugar and such. They told me that it might be caused by the inner ear swelling due to pregnancy...I'm thinking "Oh great! So now that I am just starting to feel better now I have to put up with being dizzy for the rest of the pregnancy." We had a regular check up with my OB today and he just acted disgusted when we told him what the ER said. He told me I was probably dehydrated and that the fluid that they gave me probably helped more than anything. The ER nurse also couldn't find the baby's heart beat but she was going all over the place looking for it. I wanted to take the thing from her and find it myself. Dr. Nelson found it just fine and he said that it sounded great. Today I've only had one serious episode of dizziness and I am trying to keep tanked up on water but it's hard because it doesn't taste good. I know. I know. Water shouldn't have a taste but it does to me with this pregnancy. Oh well...I will do whatever it takes to not be that dizzy ever again....Nasty stuff.
We got McKenna signed up for pre-school and have her check up scheduled for the end of next month. I can't believe that she is going to be in school. Actually she misses the cut off date for kindergarten by three days but we have decided not to fight it. I guess it's better to be the oldest in the class than the youngest. Jona starts 2nd grade on the 20th of August. It's hard to believe how fast these kids grow. I know George is going to have a hard time not being able to go to school. We could put him in pre-school as well but we just don't have the funds. So next year it will be his turn.
I guess that's it for now. Hope you all have a good one.
